Saying What's Real

Telling someone how you feel after he or she expresses something important builds intimacy and connection.

When you’re present, you’re not in fear. Fear is about the future.

You learn that you don’t need to insure a predictable outcome to feel okay.

the most basic kind of trust there is—the trust that no matter what the outcome, you will be resourceful enough to deal with it.

Healthy communication, communication that fosters connection, trust, intimacy, and respect, is about knowing and being known.It is not about getting people to do what we want. It’s about creating mutually beneficial solutions. It is not about controlling what we feel. It is about feeling what we feel, and sharing what we feel and think in the present moment. This sort of openhearted sharing is “relating.”

The intent to control reveals itself in many disguises:
• denying that you feel pain when you’re hurting
• trying to impress others
• manipulating to get what you want
• being nice or agreeable to avoid a hassle
• lying to protect someone’s feelings
• assuming you know something that you really cannot know, instead of living with the uncertainty of the situation (e.g., jumping to conclusions or making assumptions about what someone else’s behavior means)
• keeping silent to avoid conflict
• playing it safe
• trying not to rock the boat
• trying to appear more “together”